Anyway. . . . . .Matthew's birth. My sweet little boy was due December 31st, 2006. I remember during my pregnancy that deep inside I was drawn to a childbirth without drugs. I really wanted to avoid pain medication. I think I got inspired to do this because I had a classmate (I was in nursing school at the time) who had her first two children via waterbirth at Woodwinds and then she went on to have Baby #3 in September of 2006 (a couple of months before Matthew was born) in the water as well. He ended up being 11 lbs, but came out easily. I saw a couple of OBs at a clinic that was near my house. I didn't put much thought into my choice. I remember thinking I should look for a midwife, but I was too busy working fulltime and going to nursing school. I'm not sure that different providers would have made a huge difference in this pregnancy.
Besides my lack of thought in a care provider, I personally did not take good care of myself during pregnancy. I mean - I did all right, but I ate a lot of fast food being that my job had me visiting a couple of different sites a day and being that I was going to school after work a couple of nights a week. I know I lacked for adequate water intake. I had at least a couple of cups of caffeine a day, and I just wasn't eating a balanced diet. Some pregnancies do just fine like this, but I definitely think it was a precursor to the pre-eclampsia I developed.
That brief background leads to my induction. I know a lot of us in ICAN have had unnecessary inductions for going post-due, they've been told their baby is getting too big, etc. I'm probably one of the few who truly believes (and has good reason to believe) that their induction was medically indicated. I not only had blood pressures that were 160s/90s - not too terrible, but I had liver enzymes that were ridiculously high - in the 1100s, and normal is 20-50. That would explain all of the itching and just general "I don't feel good" during my last week of pregnancy (the 36th week).
My induction was horrible. I was so embarrassed by what a medical fiasco it was turning out to be. It began shortly after midnight on December 8th with Cytotec and the beginning of my Mag Sulfate infusion. Magnesium Sulfate helps to prevent pre-eclampsia from becoming eclamptic (where you develop seizures). It is a central nervous system depressant. I vomited everything that was in me shortly after that drug was started. I would continue to vomit any time I was moved or aroused.
Fast forward to the next morning and Matthew had some heart decelerations around 9am when I sat up to vomit, but he got back on track shortly thereafter. At this point I'm sure they were cranking out the pictocin - or so I'm guessing as I started this adventure at 0cm and 60% effaced. I know that at noon I was still only 1cm. That's when the OB broke my water and I actually began to progress. I'd been having strong contractions apparently, but they were numbed due to the Mag Sulfate. I will always regret letting the nurse talk me into an epidural which got placed around 2pm or so. I really wasn't having pain, but I was worried about how incredibly weak I was from the Mag. I couldn't move at all - it was like my whole body already had an epidural - a light one though. It was the epidural that caused a huge change in Matthew's heart rate. He began having late decelerations with every contraction.
I'm pretty sure that his birth would have ended in a Cesarean anyway, but I wish I could have seen how far we'd have gotten without an epidural. The reason I think we would have had a c-section anyway is because the pathology report on my placenta showed areas of calcification, thus he was probably having some issues getting the full amount of oxygen he needed, and with all of the pictocin going in - he probably would have gotten stressed out from that too.
There are two things that I probably hang on to the most from Matthew's birth. 1) I missed his birth under general anesthesia and 2) Breastfeeding never worked out. I pumped lots of milk but I was unsuccessful in getting him to breastfeed.
Missing Matthew's birth didn't have to happen. The plan was to rebolus my epidural and take me to surgery. The heart decels were first noticed at 2:30pm. Of course things don't get moving super fast in hospitals (unless they are truly an emergency at that moment), so all of a sudden at 3:30pm (shift change) they notice that his heartrate went down to 60 beats/minute and was not recovering. I won't forget being thrown onto the OR table and having someone put a mask over my face and telling me to take deep breaths. I remember thinking "Crap, I'm going under, I'm going to miss his birth." Wow - as I write that now, it really brings back memories. It is painful to think about the fact that I was not there when he was born. Most mom's come out of the anesthesia fairly soon. But, being that I was still on the Mag Sulfate - and that I was actually "sick", I came to around 6pm and was in and out of it until about 8pm. You'll see a picture below of me "meeting" Matthew for the first time. That was around 8:30pm - 5 hours after he was born! And then he went to the nursery for the rest of the night where they fed him bottles. Granted - there was no way I could have taken care of him - I could not move my arms or legs until about 4am the next day and I was still very out of it. I'm not sure what they knocked me out with - but it sure was strong. Should anything like this ever happen again, my husband would insist on the baby staying with us or at least him regardless of my condition, and he would ensure the baby got fed an alternative way other than bottles. We didn't know any different - we thought there were only two ways to feed a baby - bottle or breast. In the morning of December 9th, I was feeling somewhat better and they brought Matthew to me and a pump. So they knew I planned on breastfeeding, but I think the nurses there also live by the philosophy - breast or bottle. Matthew was a late pre-term baby - he never should have been given bottles, he should have been finger fed, cup fed, syringe fed or something else. I was told that I couldn't try to nurse him until 24 hours after his birth since I was still on the Mag Sulfate and he shouldn't get that. That 24 hours was very damaging. I could never get him to latch on. And I knew nothing about alternative feeding methods. We went home and continued the cycle of attempting to breastfeed for 20 minutes, then pump, then bottle feed. I did pump and bottle feed for 4 months, but I was lucky enough to be able to bring Matthew to work with me - the downside was that I couldn't manage that whole pump, feed, clean parts, and get back to work routine. I just wanted to pop him on the breast and keep working (which I totally could have done with my daughter - VBAC breastfeeding baby).
I learned a lot from Matthew's birth. One thing that will forever impact any future pregnancies is the constant worry about pre-eclampsia. But, at least I know that I HAVE to eat, drink, and be healthy during my pregnancies. I feel like there are no free passes for me in that regards. Sometimes I wonder what would be worse - having a "wrongful" CPD diagnosis - some of you out there have experienced this - where the doctor tells you your pelvis is too small, or knowing that you've had pre-e before and it could come again - even earlier and thus lead to another c-section. Neither scenario is pretty. I think a lot of us mom's who've been through a Cesarean and are seeking or weighing the options of a VBAC beat ourselves up mentally or have a lot of mental/emotional hurdles to get through in order to have the best birth possible.
Oh - one other thing I remember that I wanted to mention - because no one understands this - is that I felt like I kind of had to work at getting to know/love Matthew right away. The whole disconnect and lack of immediate bonding really played into that. I tried to explain this to my husband once and he gave me this look of like "What are you talking about - what do you mean you didn't feel like you loved him." I stopped trying to explain right away. It was also challenging every time I'd try to breastfeed and Matthew was screaming at my breast - I'm sure he was like "Where is that thing that drips at a ridiculously fast rate into the back of my throat? I need that."
When all is said and done - three years later - I can honestly say that the painful parts of Matthew's birth have definitely faded. I will always be sad that I missed it and that we didn't have a breastfeeding relationship. While I was sad a lot about missing his birth, I really focused on holding him, loving him, and getting to know him since our initial bonding was taken away. I was blessed in return with a baby who was very easy going, smiled and laughed a lot. I actually find myself grateful for my c-section, because we need more people to advocate for better births in this country. I am so proud to be a part of this group! I am happy to advocate for VBACs, better births initially, breastfeeding success, etc.
So here are some pictures of Matthew's birth:
I can't believe I let Mike take this. I can't believe I'm trying to smile through all of that hell. This is about 10am - in-between vomits. No epidural yet, but I am out of it from the Mag. I've got the oxygen mask on because that was shortly after that first decel episode of Matthew's. I hated that thing too.
Here he is just born! I'm still proud of his first moments - just wish I would have been there. He was 5lb 2oz at 36weeks and 5 days. Born on a Friday at 3:35pm.
Here is my first meeting with him at around 8pm - almost 5 hours post-birth. I remember that it was just too much work to keep my eyes open. I remember my husband telling me to say something to Matthew, so I mustered up a weak "I love you", but I remember feeling like an idiot that my husband had to tell me to say something.
Matthew was born on Friday afternoon - here we are on Sunday afternoon. I wish I would have begged to leave that place then. I remember I just wanted to get out of there. We did leave Monday morning. I was lucky that despite how crazy and terrible the birth was - I had a fairly pain-free post-partum period (I remember my bout with mastitis at 1 1/2 weeks post-partum better than my surgery pain). However - part of why I think I label my post-partum period as "fairly pain-free" is that I was just trying to escape for what was a nightmare for me at the time. I really think I was able to kind of push the pain aside and mentally move past any physical pain because I didn't want any reminders of what was a very terrible thing for me.









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