I've been thinking a lot lately about my external scar - mostly because next week I am going on a trip to Aruba with my husband and brother and sister-in-law (yea me!). And to be honest, I'm kind of excited to wear a bikini (yep, I'm going to) and proud to as a matter of fact. You see, there was a time when I was quite embarrassed by this scar. Not so much because of how it looked, but because of how it got there.
My son's birth was an emergency cesarean under general anesthesia. Apparently you can save time doing the section by making a vertical incision on the outside of your body, yet still making the low-horizontal cut on your actual uterus. I didn't have to have that vertical incision if people weren't putzing around at my hospital. I remember that the doctor came in and told me at 2:45pm that we were going to do a c-section because my son was having repeated late decelerations of his heartrate during my medically necessary induction (and I do feel my induction was medically necessary). Ok, fine, section me. But who knows what was going on, and all of a sudden it's 3:30pm, and instead of a somewhat planned and calm c-section, it is mad chaos - thus my vertical scar. Apparently my son's heartrate went to 60 beats/minute and stayed there. It took the physician 2 minutes from that first cut to get him out.
How I wish I had an initial picture with my 25 staples covering my incision.
My scar used to conjure the emotion of embarrassment. Who has a vertical c-section incision? No one I know. And who has one THIS thick??!! And at the time of my c-section, I didn't know anyone who had a failed induction such as I. I didn't know anyone who was so helpless after birth and who had struggled - and again - failed - to get their child to breastfeed. This scar represented for so long, all of the failures of that birth and the consequences that came with having a cesarean birth.
While I do give that OB credit as she made statements afterwards such as "I had to give you a chance at a vaginal birth", and "Oh, yes, you can have a VBAC next time, I cut your uterus the right way" (one of my first thoughts upon viewing my incision was that I was doomed for future vaginal births due to the vertical incision), however, she did say one thing that I totally disagree with. She said, "Actually with a vertical incision your stomach will be flatter than those who've had a horizontal incision" (I'm not seeing that difference) and "You will never be able to wear a bikini again" - well, stuff it, because I am! Because, I am not embarrassed by its external appearance.
And not only am I not embarrassed by how it looks, I no longer have this feeling about the experience that gave me that scar. In fact, I actually embrace that scar. Had it not been for that cut, I would not be who I am today. Even if I had not gone on to have a successful VBAC, I still believe that I would be grateful for my cesarean for all it has taught me about birth, women, and myself. It is no longer a painful reminder of a traumatic birth, but more of a revelation of who I've become and what I've learned.
In fact, I love what this scar has done to my life. And whether I like it or not, it is how my lovely son came into the world.
I know that some people will never be able to feel like I do about my scar, and that's ok. This is just my story - and I cannot believe it's my story. 4 years ago, I never would have imagined that I'd be feeling this way. Hopefully someday we can all embrace our scars: physical, emotional, spirtual, intellectual - in one way or another.
Here it is again, while I was 37 weeks pregnant with my VBAC baby (who came at 38 weeks).
*Photo credit to Studio Laguna photography, www.stulagu.com